Coming from the south, hearing a backhanded comment is like coming home: Inside that lilting drawl is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A passive aggressive sneak attack disguised as praise or advice, leaving an unvoiced insult in its wake. Done well, it subtlety conveys disdain in a manner you can’t respond to directly without looking like an ass. With this type of insidious bullying, the most effective defense is to dish-out some sweeter poison of  your own in the best southern tradition.

Below are some of my all time favorites.

“Bless your heart, you look so good, I almost didn’t recognize you.” Translation, On any given day you look like a bridge-troll, but today you look like a bridge-troll with lipstick.

“You’re smarter than you look.” Because you look like a dumbass.

“I wish I could be sexually uninhibited like you.”  Bitch, you’re a fucking ho.

“You were such a pretty child.” But now, you’re butt ugly.

“He was such a sweet boy.” And yet he grew up to be an ass-wipe.

“That dress does great things for your figure.”  And the way it accents your hump makes your ass look smaller.

“Well aren’t you just a breath of fresh air.” You’re an obnoxious freak.

“Isn’t that special.” Not.

“I’m just saying” It’s not that I’m saying your wrong, but you are….I use this one a lot.

“Bless your heart, I would never have guessed that wasn’t real.” Because it’s unquestionably unnatural.

“Did you see her hair? Bless her heart. I could never pull that off.”… She must be blind. Why did anyone dye their hair Ronald Mcdonald red.

“I guess that just hasn’t been my experience.” Now shut your lying pie-hole.

“It’s not that… (you’re fat, stupid, ugly; have scrotum-like neck wattle ….) Yes it is…

“I respect your opinion.” But you’re fucking wrong.

Prefacing a compliment with “all things considered” or tacking on “considering” at the end of a compliment. You’re inferior. Be grateful we’re making allowances because you’re undeserving.

“It never crossed my mind to do …”  Because it’s stupid/insane/illegal… this ain’t Alabama…just saying (see disclaimer)

“You aren’t from around here, are you?” We don’t like your kind… Californians and Democrats hear this a lot.

“He’s okay for a….” Because most of them are losers, stupid….

“She tries so hard.” but is a miserable failure.

“I’m not saying you’re…” But you are.

“You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.”(Movie Steel Magnolias 1989) Because you’re unpleasant now and you need to find a hobby so we don’t have to spend time with you…(or the inverse in my case, I need to go write something instead of dealing with your dumb ass.)

Until next time I bid you adieu.

Disclaimer to the state of Alabama… Please accept my apologies for anything real or imagined in the above text that  might be construed as derogatory in nature. I am sure you’re all lovely people. It’s not like I compared you to Kentucky or anything…

Disclaimer to the state of Kentucky… Please accept my apologies for anything real or imagined in the above disclaimer that  might be construed as derogatory in nature…