So Peeps, as you can see from the above tweet pinned at the top of my Twitter profile, I may have a slight problem with #DMTwitRage…

We’ve all been there…

You’re in the zone,  typing brilliant world changing prose when the phone next to your keyboard dings. A quick glance down shows that little frickin bird alert…

Well, I can’t just ignore it.  A reader might be tweeting how awesome I am…

Unlikely, but not impossible…


Hey, it could happen….


Oh, shut up….



Or my husband’s cousin Vasco might have posted a video of a dragon fucking a hatchback—true story (you’re a sick, sick man) which I’m now sharing because I have the maturity of thirteen year old…


“Oooo yeah baby… take it like the dirty, fossil fuel bitch you are.”


It could be an IFTTT bot responding to my courtesy follow-back (I don’t go looking for random people to follow, so if I followed you first,  I’m actually interested. Please take it for the compliment it is.)

Step 1

Auto thanking me for the follow (briefly guilty of this one, please accept my apologies.)


Or asking that I:

Like their Facebook page…


Get promoted to 130,000 readers…

Check out their new Youtube video, Podcast, collections of short stories…

Follow them on Instagram, Google, FaceBook…

Share recipes or write expert “Dating and Relationship” blog posts (Seriously? Thirty-plus years ago I married the first guy to come along. What the fuck would I know about dating in the digital age?)

Buy their book…

Reserve my spot

Help them achieve their YouTube dreams (did they ever once stop to ask about my dreams?)

What—The Fuck—Ever…

IFTTT recipe... Saywhatnow?!

Obviously,  these guys must either be idiots or decided to follow me without checking my profile (considering the number of right-wing xenophobes, homophobes, anti-Semites and wanna be porn stars clicking that follow button, I know where my vote lands.)

Are any of them interested in my content? Fuck no.

#DWMT and get me a royal with cheese.

But you know what? I’m  cool with that. I’ll still do a courtesy follow back if I don’t find you offensive. If you haven’t done so already, go ahead and mute me; we’ll both have networks filled with a bunch of non-listening mother-fuckers…  What—The Fuck—Ever.


Of course, I’m not muting you sweetie(lying,) I’m just dealing with a lot shit right now… Like writing a book and dealing with twit-holes and YouTubers who don’t give a fuck about my dreams.

Keep talking.


Fine, the truth is you’re probably muted, because I do check to see if we share mutual interests or are someone I want to interact with…. like maybe a fan wanting to bask in my awesomeness?




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