So for those who actually read (and liked) my book…
Yes I’m working on SOL number two.
No it’s not done…
I thought I share some of my favorite “Les-isms” to date… I don’t know how many of these will make it to the final copy, but they were a lot of fun to write.
“Some might assume the guys were being gallant, but I knew better. I was an advance scout sent to lure the zombies and blood sucking fiends into the open—like chum to sharks—triggering a feeding frenzy that bought them the precious seconds they’d need to escape.”
“Then I noticed the really large electric fan standing next to them—When a gentle breeze just won’t do, Fanzilla! For the abnormally large and sweaty.”
“I established the head polishing ritual early in our relationship, originally checking for a metal plate. Now I was just messing with him.”
“Seriously, this guy was as big as a grizzly and could give Johnny Bravo’s chin an inferiority complex. Besides, who can resist poking a bear? Not I.”
“There’s times karmic intervention needs a little help… Just saying.”
“No need to beat yourself up, that’s what I live for.”
“It’s fortunate I rather like the taste of my own feet, since they spend so much time in my mouth.”
“…she freaking shattered it along with one of seven seals; thus triggering an imminent porcine ascension heralding the Apocalypse—note to self: Buy a bigger umbrella.”
“Fortunately, I was there to rescue them from their Borg-like efficiency—I’m Anti-Borg! Resistance is Futile—really, I have the tee shirt to prove it.”
“…you know they say there’s nothing as pure as hard driven snow that’s put away wet.”
“…connecting the word pure to my heart or anything else of mine is oxymoronic, not to mention profane.”
“But I do wrong so right. Let it be a source of inspiration.”
“He’s male, I’ll bamboozle him with my battle boobs. Gertrude and Babette have never let me down, not when they have Super Snatch for backup.”
“After Saturday’s impromptu stick-pony rodeo, I was seeing ties in a whole new light and I was ready to strip him down play horsey—Hi ho Silver, away!”
“As long as your name was seen in all the right places, you could be dumb as a stump, kick puppies and have more than a nodding acquaintance with sheep; any act, no matter how depraved would be overlooked.”
“He was way too comfortable with my odd tangents. I probably needed to do something about that; after all, complacency was the enemy of a creative mind.”
“Okay, so I may have planted the occasional seed on the grapevine then cheered as it took on a life of its own.”
“Quit judging me, I’m a visionary.”
Les: “I’d knock off your mother for that bathroom.”
Angie: “You’d knock off my mother for any reason.” Too true, I was just working out the details.”“The waterfall isn’t in the shower, it fills a giant stone bowl I’m guessing Mat brought with him when he climbed down the beanstalk.”
“Although he might look like a walking felony, he was actually an architect; so really, how bad could he be?”
“…sometimes he slept with his eyes open and his lips pulled back in a rictus grin like some creepy zombie dog. Sadly, he was the only male that stuck, probably his lack of balls helped.”
“Strange how quickly guys headed for the door when neutering was brought up, but I only mention it when they’re acting like dicks.”
“I doubt I’d really castrate them in their sleep since vigorous, ball slapping sex pretty amazing, but trust is a fragile thing.”
“I wanted to crack Dr. Cool Smile’s chitinous candy shell and roll in his hot gooey center.”
“My coach use to say I was farm strong; the kind of strong you couldn’t get at the gym, a combination of stubbornness and good genetics.”
“I’d never be a delicate flower. No, I’d always be the hardy dandelion that cracked the sidewalk.”
“Oh for God-sakes stop crying; there’s no crying in Candyland…”
“Most people would probably be horrified the family pet molested a guest, fortunately I’m not most people.”
“I have no comment on any alleged acts of pooh-terrorism.”
TTFN…
Candace Vianna Writes 